There’s one Sunday a year when the importance of dads is on lots of people’s minds.
To celebrate Father’s Day, we spoke to three different dads, each of whom has gone through different experiences in raising and influencing the young people in their lives.
“Not putting pressure on yourself is the biggest thing”
In August 2019, Justin’s wife ed away. Their children were five and seven at the time.
It meant that Justin and his kids had to adjust to a new way of life, but Justin says that although it was a time of sadness, there have been moments of joy along the way.
“What I quickly realised was that I had a decision to make in of whether I was going to prioritise being at home with the children or whether I was going to keep the family business going.” Less than six months later, he had sold his business, and his sole focus became life at home. Shortly afterwards, Covid-19 and lockdown hit.
Justin continued: “That, strangely for us, was a real godsend. Having that quality time and being able to prioritise the home learning, being there for them. It actually worked for us as a family.”
Following his wife’s death, Justin connected with the charity Widowed and Young (WAY). He described it as “absolutely invaluable”, making with a community of people in a similar situation to his own, where he could talk with parents facing the same issues and share experiences.
He was also inspired to write books offering help to bereaved children.
The day-to-day element of life as a ‘lone dad’ (as Justin calls it) is still there almost three years on, but he says he has learned not to be hard on himself.
Just getting out of bed, getting dressed making the children breakfast and getting them off to school, on some days that’s a good day.
“Not putting pressure on yourself is the biggest thing.”
“Things that felt important before, you realise they’re not”
Darren can’t a time when he and his husband Kyle didn’t want children. But they also knew it was important to wait until the right time before starting their family.
The couple are proud dads to two sons, one aged four years and the other 21 months. They came into Darren and Kyle’s lives when they realised that adoption, rather than surrogacy, was the route they wanted to take to become fathers.
“It’s changed everything, in a really positive way,” Darren said of fatherhood. “Suddenly, things that felt they were important before…you realise are not important.”
He added: “It’s allowed me to step back from the rat race, and that’s really helped me put things into perspective. It was something I was so nervous going into, you never have that self belief until you do it.”
There’s still times now when I don’t know if I’m doing it right, but you find your own way.
“Secondary to all that, we’ve given a child a home. As a gay couple, we wanted to have a family and we weren’t going to have biological children. We had a home, the two boys needed a home, so we had a home to give them. It’s a very mutual relationship. It’s not like we’re out saving the world, we’re helping each other to get towards a life that we really want to live, as a family.”
Darren and Kyle plan to be as open as possible with their sons about their respective biological parents from an early an age as possible. He said: “As they get older and they want to know more, we’ll give them all the information we have on their parents and it’s theirs to do with what they want. It’s their decision and we have to them.”
“I love seeing their day-to-day-development and progress”
Simon was already a dad to two grown-up daughters when he decided on foster caring.
“The girls had left home and I was on my own, with a three-bedroom house. I thought, ‘this is ridiculous – I could do more!’”
Already volunteering in a youth café, helping young people with reading and writing, Simon approached the Barnardo's charity: “I got matched with two boys at weekends who, like me, love the outdoors. We’d go mountain biking and swimming. And as I had two rooms, I could keep a family together.”
When the two children recently needed a full-time home, what began as a short break carer role has become full-time.
My life’s changed. I’ve left the behind my work for being part of a family, and seeing their day-to-day development and progress.
So, what does Simon think is most important in being a dad?
“Patience, and just hanging in there. Especially with kids who’ve been through trauma. Little wins - Rome wasn’t built in a day! And they’re their own individual people, you don’t want to change them, just polish them. Kids get there in their own time.”
